By Di Huynh, Margaret Given and Paul Mitchell.
Though Father’s Day is a celebration for some people, it isn’t for everyone. For some, it’s a day that brings back memories of those fathers – and father figures – they may have lost, not had the relationship they may have wanted or indeed, for some, the grief of having wanted to be a dad, but this not being possible. Its a complex thing when some celebrate and others cannot. Gellibrand acknowledges this and hopes that, for each person, this Father’s Day will be spent in a way that works for them.
However, to mark the occasion of Fathers Day 2024 we asked some of our clients’ fathers to reflect on fatherhood and what it means to them. We thank Ian, Chris, and Perry for the time they gave us reflecting on being a dad. More so, we thank them for their honesty and generosity in so freely sharing their very personal journeys of fatherhood. You will find in their stories, much commonality; the struggles that exist for a parent with a child who has complex needs; the unconditional love of a parent and the clear drive to create the best possible life for their children. It is clear that for each of these dad’s there is a commitment to their children and a genuine love of being a father. We hope you will take the time to read their stories and enjoy, as we did, the richness they offer.
In preparing for this article we researched what being a dad means. Here is what we found:
Protector, teacher and encourager; a person who picks you up when you fall, dusts you off and lets you try again; admired and much loved.
For those who know these three gentlemen, you would agree they not only meet this definition, but exceed it. There are many people who are fathers, or dads – it’s not necessarily about genetics, it’s about all the stuff above; it’s that person who stands in your corner, loves unconditionally, and walks with you through life.
We hope that this Father’s Day, you enjoy these reflections from three of our clients’ fathers and find a little joy.
Please note, the name’s of clients have been changed for privacy.
Ian’s Reflection
Cameron’s Early Years
Cameron’s early years were challenging as a father. Many people didn’t understand disability and didn’t want to engage with Cameron, making it hard for our family. We did our best to cope, and thankfully, a special needs school in Preston helped us understand Cameron better, offering strategies that made a difference in his life.
Supporting Cameron has been a journey of persistence and repetition. When we lived in a double-story house, our first instinct was to install gates at the top and bottom of the stairs to keep him safe. However, through education, we learned that teaching Cameron to navigate the stairs would be more beneficial in the long run. It wasn’t easy—Cameron took a few tumbles along the way (only a couple of steps)—but over time, he mastered it. We started with three steps, then five, and eventually, Cameron could manage all 16. This method of support has been our approach for most challenges with Cameron, and it has worked most of the time.
Cameron lived with us until he was 18, but as he grew older, it became physically challenging for my wife and me to care for him. That’s when we decided to have Cameron stay at respite facilities provided by Gellibrand. Cameron moved into his permanent home at around 18 and has been with Gellibrand ever since. He’s now 45.
The Importance of Family
Cameron’s current home has been a great move for him, especially since it’s much closer to family, including his brother John. One of the highlights of Cameron’s time at Gellibrand was when he was supported to attend John’s wedding. Margaret, one of his caregivers, was there with him, even though he had a sore foot and was wearing moon boots. It was a joyful occasion, and everyone was thrilled to see Cameron enjoying the day.
The joy of being Cameron’s dad comes from seeing the sparkle in his eyes when he sees his family. Cameron may not be able to communicate verbally, but his eyes and body language express how much he loves us. It’s not always easy—there are times when I wish I could share a conversation with Cameron, and I often wonder what that would be like. But things are as they are, and we do our best with what we have.
Chris’ Reflection
A little about Alison
Alison has cerebral palsy and that has caused other complications so as a result she has epilepsy as well…but there have been other battles along the way; she had severe scoliosis, which needed correction, she also had some surgery done on her hips to avoid dislocation, quite a few challenges.
Early years with Alison as a father
Alison is the youngest of four children, there was a bit of a gap in between. She has two other sisters and a brother, who are all older than her. Early days there were some complications for Alison – a shunt had to be put into her head to drain fluid away and, after a while, in the first 12 months, the shunt blocked about four times and she had to be rushed into the Royal Children’s Hospital for that to be revised. After Alison was born, the whole family wanted to love and care for her and it was really bonding. So, Alison helped with the bonding of the family, the family group.
Having a disabled child gives us extra challenges to deal with but it has its rewards as you said. Yeah, that has been the benefit.
Difference in Parental Roles
It’s about expectations, I think. And having realistic expectations. You know, that depends on the capabilities of the child. We love and care for all our kids, all the same, and Alison doesn’t have the capabilities of the older three, but realistically we just want her to be happy and she is, generally, a pretty happy kid and that’s nice to see.
Alison’s Move from Home
Alison has been in an SDA since COVID. She went into SDA and SIL with Gellibrand about a fortnight before COVID lockdowns, which made it quite a difficult time for us. Gellibrand were keen to help assimilate Alison into the house, but at the same time afford us some time with Alison so it wasn’t too hard on her. So, we were able to take part in some of the exercise with Alison and so nearly every second day we were taking Alison out for a walk for an hour – that was the time span we had – to maintain that contact and reassure her that we were still around.
My wife was the main carer for Alison and as Alison got older and heavier it was more and more awkward for my wife to look after her (and she did an amazing job), but it continued to get worse to the point where we weren’t able to care for Alison at home anymore and that was a really terrible situation because it was almost like a lose-lose situation. It was heartbreaking having Alison move in and live with someone else, but at the same time it was unavoidable really.
Father’s emotion when Children leave home
You’re right touching on the emotional aspect as well. It’s not just the practical aspect, it’s the emotional aspect as you mentioned. And it does become very stressful and at times overwhelming. You get very tired and at times burnt out, especially with episodes in hospitals and things like that. You do wonder about what you might have done better, but at the time you do what’s appropriate.
Prioritising as a Father
That’s one of the difficulties, actually. Trying to balance and prioritise and make sure the other children, and grandchildren as well…that you are affording time to those kids as well. Getting a balance was important.
Time with Alison
We visit Alison once a week now, generally on a Sunday. We pick her up and take her out and do some of the things we know she likes to do. Occasionally, there might be a special event that we think she might enjoy that we take her to. She’s very keen on music, and so, she has a few favourite bands. Human Nature performed down in Geelong and we took her down to that one night and also a few things here in Werribee at the Cultural Centre which we take her to as well that she enjoys.
What are your hopes for Alison’s future?
We take it day by day, pretty much. We just want, as I said, to make sure Alison is well cared for and that seems to be the case and see that she is happy and, again, that’s generally what we see. I suppose just the continuation of the current situation. As both my wife and I age, we find it more and more difficult to do what we used to do. We tend not to think too long into the future…Alison is a pretty healthy girl and the doctors expect her to have a pretty normal lifespan so we just want to make sure she is cared for well and she is generally happy.
Perry’s Reflection
I’ll give you a quick rundown of Geraldine. In the early days Geraldine was very difficult, she had big challenges because of her Sturge-Weber syndrome, she had epilepsy, and many, many doctors’ visits and hospital visits over the time and it was very hard on us because Geraldine was one of six children, four girls and two boys, and Geraldine was in the middle.
Eventually, after all those pressures, we sort of got through it and Geraldine shifted to Richmond Fellowship, a community house there and then she went to Gellibrand. And since she has been at Gellibrand, Geraldine has thrived, she’s really modified everything, she has become a lot more independent, a lot more mature, and developed empathy.
So, Geraldine having an intellectual disability, for Marg (my wife) and myself, it has really helped our understanding and being aware of other people with disabilities, especially intellectual disabilities. We probably would have been aware, but having Geraldine has made us a lot more aware of what’s going on, so it has helped us … But, like I say, it has been pretty busy having Geraldine and all our children. It has been pretty busy, but we have got through it. When Geraldine goes go out with us, she likes to see her brothers and sisters, and her nieces and nephews. The thing is she has a good memory, she knows all our birthdays, she knows how old we are, it’s amazing. In that way, she knows more than me and Geraldine is happy, that’s the good thing about it.
Being a father, I’ve gathered a few thoughts…being a father has been – and is – very challenging at times, as most fathers would know, but I try to be a good example to my children by guiding them in the right direction and being a good citizen and considering other people and helping them. Also, being a father I’m always ready to help my children and their families by being a handyman and fixing lots of things. I’m pretty busy doing that and we have probably saved tens of thousands of dollars on tradespeople with me helping doing all that sort of work. I was a licensed aircraft maintenance engineer so I know a bit about mechanics and stuff like that … so that has helped me.
Also, being grateful for having our family around us, especially on special occasions such as birthdays and weddings. It is terrific having them around…we’re that busy and even though I retired 14 years ago we still have our children around because a lot of them live close by – and our grandchildren, and great grandchildren. We have 13 grandkids and 4 great grandkids and they are always around, we don’t go more than one or two days without having some contact with our kids. So, we’re pretty busy and pretty fortunate that way. Even though we are getting on in age, it keeps us busy and I suppose if we didn’t have all these kids around, we’d probably be aging a lot quicker!
Anyhow, I’m very grateful being a father and with God’s grace I may have many more years to enjoy my wife and my family and the love they give me. I’m very fortunate that way, so I appreciate being a father and, of course, having Margaret here to guide me along the way to keep me in a straight path.
We see Geraldine about every two weeks. As a parent you accept that each time you go to visit you accept Geraldine for how she is. Geraldine has always wanted to be independent and that was a good thing. When she shifted into a single house by herself, we were worried about how she was going to go. But she has adapted well in there. She does her own cooking and cleaning, and she has a great mate there.
We’re very, very happy with what Gellibrand have done for Geraldine; they have really brought her along and we are very, very happy with the support. We really appreciate all the effort all the workers are putting in with Geraldine.
